I hadn’t been to this gas station since the guy made me his whore. Yeah. Let me tell you about it, and let’s start as objectively as possible. Pretend I didn’t say “whore.”
I pulled up to a gas station pump on a sunny fall day and filled my tank. Just as I was about to get back in my car, a man in a boxy old-skool sedan at an adjacent pump rolled his window down.
“Miss? I’m disabled, and getting in and out of the car is terribly hard for me. Could you, out of the kindness of your heart, help me out and pump my gas for me?”
My reaction at first was annoyance. Some might say intolerance. I might say that. So, to avoid the sensation of being an intolerant assy bitch, I quickly said, “Yes, yes, of course-“
Bam – his credit card was thrust out the window.
“You sure you trust me?” I joked but didn’t really want to joke, you know, since I was such a bitch.
“Yes, I do. I can see you have a kind heart. You wouldn’t believe how many people don’t,” he said.
Okay. So my gut at this point is tightening up. My head is getting hot. My eyes are narrowed to slits. I am getting all kinds of signals of how assy I am. Or am I? Put down your answer now.
I had stopped at this gas station on my way to a meeting with two people I owe much to, who were helping me build something in my community that could help a lot of people. I was notorious for being late, but in the moments preceding this one, the way I had felt about getting there on time for them was pretty much like having a fucking spotlight shooting straight up out of my head into the heavens. Now imagine that jarring, clunking sound when the stage crew throws all the lighting levers in the theater at the end of a scene. Clunk, man. Fuckin’ clunk.
I finished pumping the man’s gas and returned his card. And I asked him a question.
“What do you normally do when you need gas?”
“All I can do is hope there is still someone out there who has a kind heart,” he said with a pursed-lip smile.
I was mute. And I felt strangely like a whore. Like this 60-something overweight perma-frown man had just done me, while never even unfastening his seatbelt.
I got in my car. I needed to sort out my assy whoriness. This was more than a cut-and-dried case of helping out someone in need, or as we say in yoga, selfless service. It’s often misunderstood as self-sacrificing service, but I like to tell people who will listen to me that it’s really service of all selves. Whuzzat? Sound cray-cray, right? But what if you could serve and receive at the same time? When we give from a place of actually wanting to give, we receive something pretty fucking necessary – a good sense of our own essential, connecting contribution to humanity. It’s good shit, really.
All right, so who is this guy? A disabled man who relegates anyone who will not help him to the status of a cold-hearted, undeniably assy, probably reptilian excuse for a human being. He relies on people’s fear of being classified this way. He chooses to use emotional manipulation of strangers over direct requests of people he knows – or people he could pay to help him. Instead of responsibly planning for his needs, he chooses to demand that others spontaneously sacrifice the responsibilities they have to others. Like, a kind-hearted person is someone who leaves people who are counting on them hanging?
So I was his whore.
Sometimes, in the moment, we don’t recognize that the signals we’re getting are saying something other than, “Look at what a bitch you are!”
Sometimes, in the moment, we don’t recognize that the signals we’re getting are saying something other than, “Look at what a bitch you are!” I mean, they could be saying something beautiful like, “Stop being such a whore!” (Disclaimer #6: Shut up, that is a beautiful message.) My main yoga teacher once posed the following revelatory question to me: Who are you responsible to? Where does your true responsibility lie? Her point: we can’t help everyone – we need to use our time in support of those we’re responsible to.
Yeah, this gets sticky – who. Is it only your family? Probably not. Is it your kid’s PTA? Maybe. Is it the disabled guy who planned responsibly and still ended up needing help? Yes. The only way to know is to determine who counts on you – in a healthy way – to provide something you – not just anyone – are meant to provide. It’s really empowering for both parties when you get it right. Sometimes, it’s general, like helping someone who genuinely needs it when you’re in the right place at the right time. Other times, it’s more specific to what you’re here to do – your unique purpose. To be truly humanitarian, truly in service of others, requires that we do this figuring-out shit for ourselves.
Bring it home, bitches. Then stop whoring around. You’ve got responsibilities.
Tagged: assy, charity, compassion, connection, gas station, humanitarian, kind-hearted, responsibility, selfless, whore
Serving as part of a transaction
There is an apocryphal story. In the midst of a party attended by only the most elite in society, a powerful man asks an elegant woman if she will have sex with him for a million dollars. She says “yes.” “Well, how about for five dollars?”
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
“We have already established what you are. Now we are negotiating the fee.”
Any time we give our service as part of a transaction, the result will always be unsatisfying for at least one of the parties. Someone will always feel as if they have received less than value for value given.
It sounds as if you made the decision to serve this guy as part of a transaction. You provide this service, the other side of the transaction is a release from feelings of guilt. If that is the case then yes, he did make you his whore because you provided your service in return for his cancelling your feelings of guilt. And your feeling like a whore is a sign that you felt you received less value than you gave.
But blaming him for playing on your guilt is not entirely fair. He may have played the strings, but you chose to be the instrument. One could honestly respond, “I have no responsibility for you, Mr. Disabled Man, therefore your guilt has no value to me.” You are the one who grants value to the guilt he offers. Without your valuation of the guilt, he has nothing of value to trade.
On the other hand, you might have chosen to give your service based on other motives which are not based on the transaction between Mr. Disabled Man and guilt-laden whore.
You could have chosen to serve as a random act of kindness, because what you receive from the universe is what you get back. If you send out selfishness and suspicion, that is what you find in the universe. If you send out trustworthy love and abundance, that is what you receive in return.
You might have chosen to give your service as an act of generosity to the community at large, adding to the community’s store of generosity, mutual love and compassion.
You might have chosen to separate your act from transaction entirely; choosing to do something as an act of love and kindness, deliberately and explicitly divorced from whatever Mr. D had to offer. That is, giving service as a gift to the universe. These may also be transactions, but the other party in the transaction is not Mr. Disabled, but is instead the universe. In this instance, you give because you have already received far more than you can ever repay. You acknowledge that you are giving less value than you have received, and that your actions are mere tokens of acknowledgement for what you have already been given.
When you take the approach that your acts of service are in response to what you have already been given, then it makes no difference whether Mr. D is really in need, is trying to scam you, or just wants to ogle that yoga butt from closer. His motives are not part of the transaction. Your transaction is with something much larger, much more generous than you can ever appreciate.
That is the kind of transaction which some call ‘selfless sacrifice’ and it is the secret to true happiness and contentment.
Oh, there is much goodness to be explored here, Brice! A challenge of a blog is keeping things brief, and I always find there are many concepts that I’d love to address in a post but I attempt to limit the focus to something digestible. This dialogue gives me the opportunity to address many of them. Concepts to explore: (1) Samskara – the impressions left on our unconscious mind from past situations that cause reactive, disempowered behavior like I model here. (2) Helping someone vs. enabling behavior that ultimately harms that person (leaves them disempowered and disconnected) – which one is Real humanitarianism? (3) It’s often draining to give at one’s own expense, and opportunities to do so are everywhere. Where do we draw the line? Can we create a self-honoring boundary that allows us to ultimately give the Universe even more?
I have to agree with Brice, nice yoga butt!!! Ha!
it is not correct to attempt selflessness when giving to others?
Is it humanitarian for you to impose your value structure upon the man in the car, who, for all you know, is happy and contented in his disempowerment and disconnection? Would you not be happier just to give five minutes to the pour soul, and then be on your way? At what point in time did everyone become so suspect that we question even the smallest of favors?
True, everyone has the right to choose how to live their lives. Definitely this man does. My intent is not to blame him, but to use him as an example to point out the unconscious response I had to him, and ultimately, that I had good reason not to dismiss my response. This man could have been anyone who reminded me that we don’t have an obligation to drop everything and help anyone in need, everywhere we go. The intent was to give people a way to draw a line that honors everyone. It is good to help those in need. And it is good to honor one’s obligations. When these things are in conflict, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for how we feel about it.
What’s the best way to help the man? Perhaps to ask him if there’s anyone he knows who can help him with this on a regular basis, never leaving him asking for help and not getting it. If there’s no one? Maybe suggest he hire the kid who shovels for him. I honestly believe that this would make him happier than the unpredictability he lives with so regularly.
The object of this site and this blog is to present a lesser understood but very reliable way of being happy. To help people get to a place where they don’t dismiss feelings before looking at where they really come from. Are they culturally-imposed? Are they organizationally-imposed? Are they politically-imposed? Just look at them. See them for what they are, and see the value in them. Our feelings can be the bearers of very wise messages.
I get that your intent was not to blame him, nor did I imply you were. Also, I implicitly believe introspection to be a positive activity… if we do not know ourselves and our reasons, it becomes harder (in my mind) to relate to others and the world around us.
But, I suppose each of us has to decide if we feel the need to impose our values and feelings upon others. You say there may be a better form of help than simply providing the service the man requested, that you may know what’s better for him than he does for himself. And my head says I know your intentions are good and righteous, yet there is something that doesn’t sit right.
I understand fully that what you are talking about is looking within the self and exploring feelings, which is exactly what I am trying to do. Perhaps I need a little more time to understand my reaction to this post. So much for a organized and intelligent response…
Steve, glad for this dialogue. You are helping me sort much of this out in words – and it’s not easy with these radical concepts. 🙂
Check out my response to Dawn – this is not about imposing any limited value system on anyone. It’s about getting as many limits removed from our value systems as we can. Moving from a subjective, limited perspective of value, to one that is based in this: all value roads lead to connection. (If they don’t, and we all go mano y mano, humankind is doomed.)
I mention a better form of help in my response to Dawn, and why it’s better. True, this guy is not ready to recognize that it will make him happier to have mutually-respecting interactions (connection), and to rely less on manipulation (separation). But I am ready to not offer to others things that keep them stuck where they are, far far away in a separating place.
I imagined myself in your shoes and I know for certain I would have been suspect. I would have said sorry–no can do, taken care of my business as soon as possible and been on my way. No feelings of guilt. And, I know my response to his request would have been directly related to having been sexually assaulted by boys/men three times before I hit middle school. If a woman would have asked, I would have been much more likely to help, no questions asked. What does this mean for me? For the world at large? I’ll ponder that another day…
Thanks for your honesty, Mary! This brought up a lot of questions and stimulated a great conversation with Jon last night. I’m too lazy to write it all down, but I wanted you to know you got us thinking and questioning what we would do! 🙂
All you may take with you is that which you have given away.” I thought about this during the holidays, and the annual “It’s a Wonderful Life” viewing. I found an interesting related website post which explained the meaning of “Charity”, which I’ve included here:
http://nopooramongthem.org/?tag=all-you-can-take-with-you-is-that-which-youve-given-away
I believe it falls in line with some of your ideas expressed.
The smart ass in me wanted to ask the driver, “How do you get IN the car by yourself? And are there any other things related to driving that you’re having difficulty with?” Call to police. “Charity” to all the other driver’s on the road!
Stacey, I so agree that living a charitable life and giving the world the awesome shit we have to give is important. (You said that, right?) 😉 I love the closing part – “meaningful acts of service.” In this blog post, the first point I try to get across is that it’s okay to focus on where our giving has the most impact, where (a) it’s right in line with what we uniquely possess to give, or (b) when someone is truly in need and we are there – someone falls in the parking lot and we help them up. We can draw a self-honoring line here, and it’s okay to not feel obligated to give in all places at all times. We don’t have an infinite reserve of time or energy, and it’s impractical to give at every opportunity. We all draw the line somewhere, and this is a line I learned in exploring this from the perspective of the Real – what is most connecting for humanity.
The second point of this blog post is that we need to stop making snap judgments about our “bad” feelings and/or dismissing them. We really need to look at them and find out what they are based in. In my case, my ugly emotional response was a reminder that I had responsibilities to use my gifts to help many other people, and I let myself be taken away from that service (although in this example, not excessively so). It was kind of a wake-up call: Yo, Mary. Where can you serve and make the most difference and not run out of the resources that make giving possible?
But being a human being can one truly and accurately judge one’s impact? I understand the effort here but question our ability to judge fully our impact on the universe.
I also understand trying to guard one’s self by creating the boundaries you are discussing. I feel, however, some concern about the kind of world that creates until those decisions are being made by enlightened beings. The guidance you provide may be correct, but if that guidance is assumed by those who are centered on self-serving aims then we may be in for trouble! One day I might be that man in the car unable to afford to hire the snow-shoveling-teen and the world then looks rather grim for me if I cannot depend on the service of the universe.
Excellent points, KiI. What I am attempting to do with this blog is help people to move from a surface understanding of “good” or “right” into a sophisticated understanding of what I’m calling the Real, or the objective good. It takes a lot of study, discussion in like-minded community or sangha, and vichara (process of self-inquiry) to get there. But we can always move a little bit more in the direction of the Real. And this is how I “judge” the impact on the universe. Is it more connecting, or is it more separating? The more we practice this, the better we are able to discern between them.
Regarding the grimness risk: If we trust in the universe*, awesome. If we expect from the universe, not awesome. These are very different things. I might even say opposites. Trust requires leaving it open to an outcome we cannot define. You have to be okay with not getting what you “want.” If what you want is a specific immediate need, don’t leave it up to the universe. 😉 You don’t decide what the universe will provide for you. Expecting to be taken care of a very specific way is limiting the universe to our very limited understanding. This is an application of vairagya – letting go of attachment to a specific (surface) outcome and opening the door to something unfathomable (sophisticated) that better takes care of us. In this case, the door we can’t at this time imagine will open this man to having a sense of control rather than helplessness, to empowerment, and connection he feels he is deserving of, rather than feeling he has to elicit. In the Real worldview, all roads lead to authentic, reciprocal connection. Reciprocal not in the sense that anybody owes anybody anything. In the sense that both parties are truly served. Yes, this is possible. So, why not aspire to it? We can only get closer. 🙂
*I use “universe” interchangeably with “God,” “[insert divine name here],” “the greater good,” “humanity” – whatever one’s religious or secular philosophy may be.
I’m a fan of this bit of inspiration. When opportunity presents itself, I try not to over-think it, just run with it.
“Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can.” ~ John Wesley
And if I can’t be of service in that time or space, I trust that there are other humans out there who will step up. Because if I don’t have faith in the positive qualities of other human beings, then what the hell am I doing?
Dawn, indeed, do not over-think when in the situation. Most of the time, we don’t even have enough info to determine if this is a genuine need or a result of not taking responsibility for one’s needs. Err on the side of helping. But definitely do a li’l vichara (self-inquiry) afterwards if your emotions were very activated by something. This is really how this went down. I helped, then I determined later why it wasn’t the best choice, and then the final step – what will I do the next time? There is an empowering way to handle this situation. What is it? I believe empowerment always begins with acknowledging. Acknowledge that the situation is not ideal: “Dude, this can’t be easy having to rely on strangers with unknown obligations who may not be able to help out.” Second, suggest he explore addressing the cause of his suffering (I’m getting all Buddhist now): “Is there a way you can take the unpredictability out of this, lining this up with someone who plans for it?” We don’t have to get specific here. We don’t have to solve his problem for him. But pointing him in the direction of empowerment is a lovely, lovely gift. Hey, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a yoga teacher to tell him this shit. 😉
Re: “Positive qualities of other human beings” or “good”: the most positive quality/ goodness you can show me in a situation like this is to empower me. My son’s band teacher did this to me at a solo festival. Mr. B stopped me in the midst of a cray-cray cluster-fuck of a desperate disempowered push to get around having to fetch my son’s forgotten percussion mallets, and encouraged me to come up with a better solution. An empowering one – for me and my son. I will never forget it. I felt it – a total shift in my emotional body, manomaya kosha. His being present when I couldn’t be, and directing me toward the Real – it changed everything.
Very nice. Now I will go examine why it would be easier for me to band-aid the situation, rather than try to problem solve with a complete stranger. 🙂 There is much to examine.
I know. This turned out to be a provocative post in many unexpected ways. 😉