True or false: Anger is bad.
This is one of our fave untruths. We all hold fast to it. We’ve never really held it up to get a good look – we’ve just plain held it up. Lorded it over ourselves. I mean, what kinda person would I be if I thought anger was some kinda good?
Let’s play a game.
Let’s hold “anger is bad” up, at a glance. You just got off the phone with your sweetie and she won’t be home when she said she would. You are angry. But – how could you act that way? Your lovey doesn’t want to stay at the presentation, it’s not her fault, but the shindig keeps going on and on. What are you thinking being angry? Stop it. How assy are you?
Now, let’s really look at it instead of just holding it up.
A feeling happened. In nanoseconds without your conscious choice, chemical bitch juices shot through you and you felt their result. That’s what a feeling is. You didn’t have a choice. That’s a fact.
So keep beating yo’self up, bitchola.
All right. So maybe something else is true here. Maybe what we really have been associating with “bad” is what we do when we’re angry. So, what did you do?
Before we play this round, forget about good, forget about bad. Good and bad are 100% subjective. We need something more objective. Enter the Litmus Test for What’s Real. It’s simple, really. Just TP-off all the layered-on subjective shit and look at this: is it separating or is it connecting?
Let’s take the test.
I do much of my work from home, and often one of my kids will ask me something when I am on my computer, deep into an email response. Anger will flare. Maybe we can all agree now that this anger response doesn’t make me a monster. Nope. What I do next does!
So, I yell at the kid. “Pretend I’m away at work like your dad is!”
Now go all LT on my ass. Yeah – Litmus Test.
So much separation in what I did. A chasm between me and the kid. And for my husband – resentment that he’s got 50+ hours a week when it is a-ok for him to work without kids around. Sure looks like I’ve got some kinda fucked-up disconnect from the things I value most in my life.
When I use the Litmus Test, I see that my action is separating, and I know I don’t want separation. It hurts. So let’s try this on about anger:
Anger is revealing.
The things anger reveals are separating conditions that require our attention.
Good or bad, bitcholas? If anger is bad, then revealing things that require our attention is bad. Bam. Anger ain’t bad! And – whoa – this creates a positive momentum. From a negative emotion. If we don’t dismiss it. It’s like this: We will see the things we need to see – the things we need to do something about – only if we are gutsy enough to look at our “ugly” feelings. Major wattage light bulb over all yo’s heads.
We will see the things we need to see – the things we need to do something about – only if we are gutsy enough to look at our “ugly” feelings.
Huh. Maybe I need to do something about how I spend my time. Maybe set aside a specific time each day to be with each kid, work-free. Maybe going to bed earlier and getting up earlier can help me spend my time how I really want to. Maybe I can have my damn time and love my damn family too – if I just take a few actions.
Holy shit. Now look what anger is:
Anger is a catalyst for connecting action.
This weekend, my sister-in-law visited, and like any good in-law, she over-stayed her welcome. At one point, she over-critiqued the workshop I had taught. I then over-stated my basis for how I taught. Over-bitchily.
Later, I noted that my anger revealed a long-standing feeling of being under-appreciated by my sister-in-law. We spent the rest of our time together under-appreciating each other. This needs addressing. This needs some momentum in the direction of connection.
Knowing I need to be more connecting isn’t enough. I won’t be able to magically find the rainbow connection. A practice is in order. Action. Doing. And I’m talking about action I can take myself – not relying on any action by the other person. Sure, optimally the other person needs to go through the process for themselves, too, to address their own separating conditions. But you can’t make them.
Connecting doesn’t mean you have to be tight with the person you’re connecting with. You just have to be Real with them. So maybe I need a practice that builds more trust in myself, so I’m not so fearful when others question me. And maybe I need to be more assertive about boundaries. Because, you know, healthy boundaries stop the separating shit from going down. Yeah. That’s a truth.
Put your anger right up on a pedestal like I did. Get gutsy. Get Real.
Tagged: action, anger, change, connecting, feelings, litmus test, paradigms, parenting, practice, real, relationships, separating, sister-in-law, work
Preach it, sister! It’s always so easy to trigger that anger part in ourselves and create separation. I know I’m definitely guilty of that far too often. You made such a good point about anger being a catalyst for positive change in ourselves. Thanks for the lovely mid week pick me up!
Sandy, you know that real flowery way of looking at life? The one that says there’s is a gift in everything. I like it! I like it because it doesn’t stop there. We are not obligated to only acknowledge the gift and not the rest of it. So when that flower pops up through dog shit, I implore everyone that indeed we should all clean off the poo before proclaiming the sweet scent of the flower. 😉
Refreshingly bold and revealing! I never really thought of anger in this way…very thought provoking. Thanks!
Ana, Glad to shake things up. Always. Get your TP and keep wiping off the subjective sh** and seeing more of what’s Real! (See what I did there? I CENSORED myself!)
raw and edgy Mary….good stuff. When my kids were younger, i would tell them, “It’s ok to feel angry, but it’s not ok to kick your sister, yell at the dog, etc etc because you feel angry. (It is ok, however to scream into your pillow, have it out with the boxing bag or howl at the moon). I find myself often encouraging my grown children to consider perspective. It is often the thing that brings us back to center. I also remind them (and through this guidance remind myself!) that our anger is rarely about the other person. It is an opportunity to learn wonderful amazing things about ourselves, about our triggers, about sometimes deep-seated beliefs or buried hurts. Even when our passion flares because we feel we have been wronged, or worse our child has been wronged, the opportunity to learn and grow, and teach…presents itself. Oh my, I think I could write a looong time about anger…rage is a part of our family history, like alcoholism is in other families…thanks for this post Mary, has definitely got my head gears in motion…
Yep. Amen and om. The process of vichara can really help us all stop harmful cycles. Vichara is a systematic breaking down, revealing, and addressing of our shit. My main teacher Karina Ayn Mirsky has developed a super effective practical vichara process that she teaches in her teacher trainings. This process is an effin’ life saver, man. It’s basically what I do in every blog post. It takes us out of superficial judgments and denial patterns (separation) so we can get our connection ON. 🙂
In my experience, people who deny their own anger are not to be trusted. When one of my neighbors told me that her parents never argued about anything–as if that was admirable– I was aghast, not to mention skeptical. Imagine the unexpressed anger in that marriage.
Toni, true – we’re all in denial of some of our shit. Tons of it, usually. Because we haven’t been exposed to anything that says we could benefit by taking a real look at it. We’ve just been exposed to things that tell us to be ashamed of it and defend against anyone seeing it at all costs. What if we were all taught from the beginning – as kids – to explore what triggered us in any situation, instead of teaching kids how to pretend it didn’t? That’s true character education in my book.
But it’s not easy. It’s much easier to tell kids that angry outbursts are inappropriate. But if can help them do the work of finding the separating condition behind the outburst, and then guide them to do the empowering work of choosing a small connecting action to address the separating condition, kids could grow up to be this: not messed up adults. Holy shit!
this is one of the things i’ve been working on lately. how i react to the things that make me mad. i’ve spent far too much time being mad at everything, and i’m tired of it. i know it’s my issue, and it needs to change.
there is only so much in my life that i have control over. the things i can’t control are going to happen, whether i like them or not. if i get mad about the things i can’t control, it affects the things i CAN control. it INfects them. anger spreads.
so, i’m taking control of my anger. changing my reactions. it’s hard, but i know i can do it.
i think you’ve inspired my next blog post…
Val, it’s not that it’s “your” issue. It’s those other fuckers. 😉
When something sucks, we can (a) try to change everything outside of us, or (b) try to change things inside of us.
Yoga is a means of changing things inside of us. The Yoga Sutras goes on and on and on blah blah BLAH about how to do this. The cool thing is, when we do the work to change things inside of us, we start to effect change outside of us.
The Sutras says it’s 2 steps: (1) Peel back the subjective shit that’s making the part of the Real you’re trying to see hard to make out (clear avidya) (2) Expand your field of view of the Real – see more of it (samadhi mind). The Sutras 2:1 tells ya how to do step 1. Ya go all Kriya Yoga on yo’ ass. Kriya Yoga = Tapas (the doing) + Svadhyaya (the learning) + Ishvara Pranidhana (the surrender). And I’m for hire if ya want help identifying a few customized effective actions in these areas. It is so much more empowering to be able to do something. Yay action!
I like it. I am intrigued about how things went (and will go) with your sister in law.
I was similarly inspired this week, talking to classes about feelings vs. our resistance to our own feelings. My Yin / Restorative classes are used to this kind of thing. My more active classes, packed with native Minnesotan’s were like, “UM, what? Did she seriously just ask me to stop moving, stop thinking, and tune into any FEELINGS that arise within me? REALLY?” Stoic, hardly, ‘nice’. Yep. That’s them.
Then I talked just a little about how when my mom was battling cancer, I spent a tremendous amount of energy shoving down my emotions (my grief!) so that I could, um, what? Pretend nothing was happening? Make everything OK for everyone else around me? Have a meltdown because I’d been trying to hold myself together with everything I had and both hands, and nothing was ever going to be enough to make everything ok until…
I broke down, swam around in my grief until I got all pruney. Stopped holding it together. Stopped shoving it down.
I talked a little, too, about suppressed anger leading to heart disease and cancer. But I didn’t take it so far as to encourage them to actually learn from the feelings they were suppressing. Brilliant. Because why else would we have ugly feelings?
Thank you for your candor and insight.
Dawn, I love your languaging. “Learn from the feelings you are suppressing.” There’s a helluva lot to learn, huh?
And so sorry about your mom. What you did then is what we are often encouraged to do by those who care about us – because they don’t want to be in pain. And when we are, they are. So, they breathe a sigh of relief that we are handling it all so well. Your story is a good lesson. Let’s just be present for each other and not encourage denial (“You’re doing so great!”) or submersion (insert Bode Miller story here). Yeah. Just be with what is.
Beautifully said, Mare! This reminds me of two things that I know about anger, which support your statements.
First, as our beloved Devidas would say, Anger is not an emotion, but rather a response to an emotion. ANY time you’re feeling “anger”, it is an opportunity to find out what is really going on psychologically, if you’re willing to do the work (i.e. – Meditate, Contemplate, see a Psychologist). Understanding this, it allows us to not enter into feelings of shame around our anger. We can see our own suffering, and are immeditately reminded that we are indeed human. Usually the emotions that are feeding anger are saddness and/or confusion. Regardless of what the base emotions are, Anger has now become a beacon for consciousness.
Second, I recently read “My Stroke of Insight” by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. Aside from the main point of the memoir, having and recovering from a stroke, I took away a little gem about emotional response. According to Dr. Taylor, the chemical emotional response to stimulus is about 90 seconds. During that 90 precious seconds, you’re chemically allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. After that, the response hormones have abated and any residual feeling is you reamping those response emotions (over and over and over…). With enough consciousness and control of your responsiveness, you can technically let go of anything after this chemical response time. This is important to understand, especially if you’re the kind of person who keeps being angry (or insert other emotion). When you find yourself in these responsive loops, you can feel empowered to change your own mind. And with enough self-work, you can actually change what that 90 second response emotion is.
I could go on for days about this, including Meditation, Yoga practice, and psychology.
Great job, Mare!
– Yogijerr
Jerry, THIS IS FUCKING FASCINATING! Thank you for the amazing scientific gem. 90 seconds, man. 90 fucking seconds. Freedom and non-judgment. Let it go its course, then set your course. YEAH!
How do you like this: I’ve broken all things painful down to one root cause – separation. i.e sadness or confusion are results of separation – the ultimate pain. So the emotions and untruths and such are between the root cause and the presentation – in this case, anger. And it helps us remember that what we really want is to connect. With our True Self. With others. Hell, with God. (Hee!) Ok, whatever we’re calling the ultimate connection, really it’s not important.
Anyway, it’s good shit, Jerr. Your contributions here and always are so enriching. Keep ’em coming. Toes – are you on yours? Keep me on mine. 😉
Anger, in our society, has become somewhat of a status symbol. We hold on to it as if we’re entitled to it. It’s some sort of badge that we’ve earned – by being wronged. We wear it, display it, and express it with pride.
However, at its most basic roots, anger is for one thing and one thing only. Survival. Being angry gives the animal (all animals display what we know as anger) energy to either defend itself or run. Even the lowly mouse, when completely cornered, will bare its teeth in a show of anger to avoid death.
As our yogi Mary has aptly instructed us, the anger itself is neither positive nor negative. It just is. Period. We shouldn’t judge emotions, only actions. Our challenge is to HAVE anger without always BEING angry. As in, we can hold the emotion (or response to an emotion as pointed out above), but only our behaviors show whether the anger is helpful or destructive. It’s all about the functionality of it. If it, as Mary suggested, can help us connect, then it’s a good thing. If it separates us, it’s a bad thing. But only the behaviors associated with the emotion separate us, or inspire us towards connection.
Dr. Paul, we are so on the same page, aren’t we? Great addition of the roots of anger. And I love this: “Our challenge is to HAVE anger without always BEING angry.” Check out YogiJerr’s comment about the 90 seconds of chemical response – you will love it. 90 seconds to have anger, then it’s time for taking Real action – intervening on behalf of ourselves. And, indirectly but inevitably, on behalf of others.
i LOVE this!! I always do, but just this week alone, I’ve talked to several of my patients about this very topic! I think Mary must be a Scorpio! I am big on expressing our emotions (all of them). I’ve struggled my whole life with doing so, however, fearing being too intense, too loud, too mad. I even struggle watching the mentors that I LOVE and worry that I’m not spiritual enough because I say the word F*@K and get mad, A LOT, about the injustices in the world! People are struggling, in various levels of crisis; they are addicted and sexually abused and un-empowered. I aim to change that, but it takes going down into it and sharing the dark spaces that many do not want to acknowledge and GETTING ANGRY! Some of the most amazing wisdom has come from the depths of my despair, but NO ONE can tell you that when you are in the middle of that craptasticness! Yay for Mary McInnis Meyer!!! Thank you for sharing your heart and wisdom on the matter!
ps: I’m not always angry…..i also have an enormous amount of love and joy in my heart….. 🙂
Donna, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I consider myself totes spiritual, and I say shit like “totes.” Oh, and “shit.” 😉
Empowerment is the key word here. And just about everywhere. 😉 I love that we can take really incremental actions and blow our minds with the change that comes. When we can “do something about it,” we are empowered. Until then, we are keeping our shit out of view and pretending we don’t smell it.
We gotta stop feeling guilty for not smelling the roses all the time. I mean, maybe we gotta light a match to something else first. 😮 (You win the award for the most emoticons in a reply yet.)
Probably my favorite post, yet. Of course, it is overwhelmingly relevant in my life right now, and I am doing seriously embracing my anger and trying to love it into something better. I am letting the anger, resentment, disappointment, sadness, guilt, blame, fear, etc all come to the service and being open and honest about things that I need to change in my life. I don’t want to be positive anymore–almost to the point that the suggestion irritates me when I come into contact with it. I need to be REAL without everyone thinking that I am just being negative. I hate my job. Loathe it. And it feels SO FUCKING GOOD to finally admit it! No more being trapped by positivity about what might come to be in the future. I am letting my anger instigate necessary action and change in my life. CHEERS to attending the Business Planning Basics workshop at the Women’s Business Center this Thursday night. There will be no turning back–TOWANDA!
Yes – anger can instigate action! It gets us to stop two silly mentalities: positivity as helplessness to act, and positivity as denial of any need to act. You got this. YOU GOT THIS!