“At least my other foot is fine!”
All of us are guilty of at-leasting on ourselves. And all but the most skillful (superhuman) of us are guilty of at-leasting on others. I keep at-leasting on myself for the plantar fasciitis I have in my foot, because, you know, “At least I don’t have it in both feet!” and “At least I don’t have Ebola in both feet!” and “At least my whole family doesn’t have Ebola in both feet!”
Because, doesn’t this cheer us up when we point out how lucky we really are? You know, that whole First World Problem thing? Aren’t we helping? Being good positivity purveyors? Gratitude attituders? Resilience revelers? And anyway, what else would we do when someone shares their pain?
Maybe we could, just, acknowledge the reality of what did happen? Since, when we jump to what could have happened, we have just voided what did happen. We literally blotted it out from the timeline. Something happened, people. Something happened.
If you’re thinking, “What’s the bigs?” you are not alone. Because there’s a prevailing flawed moralistic logic in America.
Flawed Moralistic Logic Exhibit A: Because other people have bigger problems, you should dismiss the reality of a problem you have. Yo, peepelos! There will always be other people with bigger problems. With this logic, we have to deny every pain, every problem, except one – The One worst pain or worst problem in the world. So, if yours ain’t The One, you have no right to acknowledge your pain.
Flawed Moralistic Logic Exhibit B: Because your reason for saying “at least” is to make someone feel better, it’s okay to do it. Yeah. At least you didn’t say, “Look on the bright side, you negative scourge on humanity!” or “See the good, you ungrateful bitch!” or “Buck up, you weak whiner!” Oh wait – you did. Pretty much.
Yeah, that’s harsh. Yeah, I want to shake you up. That’s what I do. Shake you right off the shaky construct of ground we’ve all been standing on too long, to find yourself some real unshakable ground.
I know that when you told the person with cancer “At least they caught it early!” you didn’t mean, “Gratitude check yo’self, bitch.” I know you really wanted to make the other person feel better. I know. And I love you. I get that this tendency comes from a really well-meaning place. But my mission, baby, ain’t to keep us doing well-meaning things that actually harm us. This ain’t a small deal. When we continue to operate within the same unexamined social constructs, not only do we fuel a disconnecting worldview, but we miss out on experiencing the unparalleled exhilaration of truly connected living. You can quote me on that. (You will. You will! A lot. All the eff over social media.) [pause for social media flurry] [pause again for the people who thought I didn’t mean them]
When we continue to operate within the same unexamined social constructs, not only do we fuel a disconnecting worldview, but we miss out on experiencing the unparalleled exhilaration of truly connected living.
And if you’ve been on the receiving side of a well-meaning “at least”, you know how hollow you felt. And now you know why.
Let’s stop forcing ourselves and others to move around everything – to effectively drop it or dodge it. Let’s stop telling people to get over it instead of getting through it.
Let’s do something about it. Now. I’ll help.
Don’t feel bad because you do this at-leasting thing. Just know that you do it, and hold it. Yeah, hold it, don’t drop it. Get some space around it, and know that it does not define you. Let the tiniest bit of compassion enter in for this well-meaning at-leasting person that is one of many facets of you. There. That’s all there is to it. When you’re about to at-least on yourself or someone else, intervene on behalf of yourself by holding the space.
You may have heard that phrase in yoga or psychology circles before: Hold the space. If you’ve been like, Wha?!?” about it, I’ve been there, too. Cred to my teacher and East-West psychology expert Karina Ayn Mirsky for steadfastness in the face of this face with the eyes rolling around in it. And now, I present to you my straight-ahead look at holding the space:
Holding the space is allowing yourself and others that space – where no one is compelled to fix anything – that is the only place where compassion has the right-of-way.
[surely a social media pause here]
Holding the space is allowing yourself and others that space – where no one is compelled to fix anything – that is the only place where compassion has the right-of-way.
So, do ya still wanna make someone feel better? It ain’t your job to “make” anyone feel better, not even if that someone is yourself. And besides, ya can’t. Your job is to allow feeling what is. Let yo’self off the hook! Compassion, in its purest form, is acknowledging what is, without judgment. Feeling better can only happen when this requirement is satisfied. Without it, there is some level of dismissal, invalidation, disconnect – and don’t underestimate the destructive effects this can have.
So, start learning how to hold the space. (How? By doing it. Practice 101.)
All right. We got this. But we also have a bit of a scourgebitchwhiner complex, don’t we? After all these years of at-leasting on ourselves, we really think we are what we’ve been effectively calling ourselves – negative scourges, ungrateful bitches, and weak whiners. Want some help with that? Here we go – my complete reframing of negativity, ingratitude, and whining, each in 10 seconds or less:
Stating what is, even if what is is not “good,” is being more positive than pretending it’s good. It is connecting to something authentic, seeing it so we can change it, starting us in the direction of positive change instead of keeping us in the same place of denial – totally disconnected from what is. Which, ironically is really the negative scourge.
Gratitude for what we have does not make pain go away. Sorry. Although gratitude can totally amp our connected worldview and lessen the effects of our pain, it doesn’t replace holding the space to feel our pain.
Giving words to what needs to be felt is not being a whiner. It is a healthy part of the healing process. And it’s not weak – it takes strength to do. If you never acknowledge where you are, you will never be with it long enough to give compassion the right-of-way. You will never heal.
Okay, so let’s review this in an actual real-life application.
In class the other day, I had a student who was recovering from a kick from a horse resulting in multiple broken ribs. Another student offered up, “Good thing it wasn’t your head!” (Whoa there, horsie. Do not judge this student. I mean, come on, I hadn’t even written this blog post yet.)
At times like this, we just have to reflect back the hardship, the pain. Not change it. Not move away from it. Hold the space.
Try something like, “Wow, sorry you’re going through that. Sounds really hard.” (Yes, “sorry” in this context is an appropriate expression of sorrow, not an apology. But that’s a whole nutha blog.)
See that, though? You just took this very significant opportunity to acknowledge what is, to allow healing space. It’s significant because YOU MAY BE THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES IT FOR THIS PERSON. EVER. It is imperative we spend time there, with it. By not acknowledging it, we suggest that it shouldn’t be acknowledged. That the person suffering should not be suffering. And again, no, we don’t mean to be assy like this, it is not our intention, but it is the effect. Let’s stop leaving the person needing healing with an impression that they should be more “positive,” “grateful,” or “tough.” When I’m suffering, I am feeling none of these things. And that is okay. That is a necessary part of moving through something.
Let’s stop leaving the person needing healing with an impression that they should be more “positive,” “grateful,” or “tough.”
Join me in promoting going through it instead of getting over it. Holding the space, seeing what’s there. Allowing compassion in. And coming through into a more compassionate, connecting worldview, a foothold in something less shaky, the ability to take a stand for what is real.
Tagged: at least, gratitude, logic, moralistic, philosophy, positive thinking, psychology, social construct
Lovely. Again. Refreshing perspective 🙂
Thank you my dear. 🙂
This is all SO TRUE! I have found myself purposefully using the “at least” on people in my own attempt to “be more positive.” I am so tired of people telling me to be more positive. Or becoming quiet when I am too real. Too open. Too honest. When I talk to the people I find myself surrounded by these days about things that are going on in my life or things I am thinking about or things I am contemplating–trying to figure out and work through–most people try to either A) make me feel better about it by pointing out how things could be worse or B) “fix” the problem by playing it down as if my thinking about it is in some way negative–just because I’m in flux or experiencing chaos doesn’t mean that I’m just worrying about something for no reason. We have to let ourselves experience things in order to figure things out. How are we going to deal with this? What have we learned from the past? What’s our next step? What choices do we have? We have to allow ourselves to experience the good, the bad, and the ugly if we truly want to learn, grow, change, and empower ourselves. GREAT POST, Mary.
Your comment is exactly why I wrote this. Look at all the distance we’ve experienced over the years by being real, somehow knowing we have no other choice, upholding something in us that we feel we must uphold – only to be told we should try positive thinking. This feeling of obligation I like to think of as knowing we are tasked with being ambassadors of the Real. With this comes great responsibility… 😉
How to be an ambassador, though, is something we will continue to figure out how to navigate. Me? I just shove it right at people. Jolt ’em with words that make ’em really uncomfortable, shaken up about the way they’ve been operating. It is extremely ungrounding, but I don’t leave ’em there. I give them tools so they can develop a new way.
Because once you see things like what I shove at people in this post – the negative impact of invalidating things in the name of positivity – who wants to keep operating that way?
Huh. I just articulated what I do and the methodology behind it. Like, a fuckin’ mission statement or something!
So. What do YOU do, Susan? 😉
Mary, I LOVED your post and could definitely relate to it; especially the Flawed Moralistic Logic Exhibit A. There were so many times, too many to count, where I justified being in an unhealthy relationship because other’s had it so much worse. Although I used slightly different words, “It’s not that bad. It doesn’t happen very often. I wasn’t really hurt.” The message I was telling myself was the same. I justified staying in an unhealthy relationship because there were other people who were suffering more.
I also really liked your comments regarding simply holding space and being there with someone; really acknowledging what they are going through. That is tough. I find it helpful to remind myself that sometimes simply listening and being present is the BEST I can offer another person, even though it’s hard and very uncomfortable to see someone I care about suffering. On a similar note, I’ve found it helpful to use the same approach with myself. When I start to feel a negative feeling, especially anxiety, I try to tell myself that its okay to be with that feeling rather than pushing it away. I can’t take credit for that thought – I’ve read that recommendation in various forms..
Anyways, thank you very much for your post. It really spoke to me.
Jess, allow me to hold some space for you (even though you are doing a really good job of it!). Sounds like your relationship was pretty painful. [pause. feel.] And the anxiety you sometimes have is hard to go through. [pause. feel.]
So yes – you totally have this down. It means a lot to me that you are able to get an affirming perspective from this post. It makes me pause and feel. 🙂
nailed it. again. I am not in a good space at the moment. I am off center and exhaustion, mistakes, miscommunication, etc etc all happen when i am off center. I am much more aware of the things that pull me away from my center. Currently they feel unavoidable. all this to say that in my exhaustion, i get down right pissed off when someone says, “well just be grateful (fill in the blank; that you only have to go to one four day conference instead of two; (wtf? really? did you just say that?) or be grateful she’s alive, be grateful it’s not worse, grateful you are still breathing, grateful grateful grateful, at least, at least, at least…same thing. thanks so much for pointing that out! I feel so guilty all the time, or same creeps in when something really shitty just happened and all people can say is, “well just be grateful.blah fucking blah”….
Apparently I ma VERY glad you wrote about this Mary and awareness rules. awareness is the beginning of the end of “at leasting”…good stuff darlin’. oh, and i am going to try to be more aware when someone does allow me to sit with my shit…because it feels really good when someone says, “yeah, i know you hate being away from home, I know it’s hard for you. I know. or a simple “I hear you” will do. 🙂 I hear you Mary. thanks again
Oh, Mary, I am so sorry you’re feeling off-center and drained. It is hard, isn’t it? I’ll hold that with you. 🙂
Yes, you’re right, there are a slew of “at least” phrases: “Be grateful…” “Good thing…” “You’re lucky…” “Other people…” They all equally suck. I mean, how did we get to this point? Shoving gratitude platitudes up suffering people’s asses?
I like your new tag line, btw. “Sit with your shit.” I hear you, Mary. 🙂
Thank you Mary! This was a tough read. I actually had to stop and come back at a more open-minded time. I am attached to my toughness. There, I said it. It is true, too. If you’ll allow me to reflect back and rationalize for a moment… When my first tiny baby was in the NICU, we would go in every morning and get updates on how it went over night. Often these were delivered with great gravitas. There were ups and a lot of downs. Nights are hard in the NICU, for babies and for the caretakers. After a certain point, I developed the measure, “Last night was tough, but was it a tragedy?” If it wasn’t a tragedy, this exercise helped me open my heart and take it in. Helped me to see that if it wasn’t the endgame, it was part of the journey. If it was a tragedy, then it was OK to go ahead and lose it. It was a bit of minimizing, it was definitely leading me to be present with how things stood at that moment, and let go of what I wasn’t present for. I’ve ‘toughed’ my way through a lot of things in my life, but this little trick is hard to shake. When I get bad news or something unpleasant happens, I almost always hold it up to this measure. Is it a tragedy? No? It just is, accept it. Yes? Go ahead and lose your mind. Thanks for helping me identify an area that could use some work. Going to try to put down the measure and just experience things as they are. Hold space for myself and trust that if I’m doing my work, there’ won’t be an abyss.
Dawn, stop right there! Your “tragedy test” is serving a different purpose. The whole point of any of these blog topics is to help us put things in an empowering context, as my teacher would say. A tragedy is mother-fucking disempowering for sure. The word says, “You are helpless to the circumstances.” Sounds like your tragedy test has a wonderful application of empowering you in situations where you are prone to feeling helpless to do anything.
The danger is that it denies the reality of a continuum of suffering. It says there is a line, and suffering exists – and therefore can only be acknowledged and experienced – on the plus side of the tragedy dividing line. So, the discrete tragedy/non-tragedy definition leaves a lot of suffering places denied.
Maybe it’s as simple as this: when you determine something a Not-tragedy, you allow the possibility that acceptance of it will include some level of feeling, and some level of expression of that feeling. Some level of “losing it.”
I’ll process more, you’ll process more, and we’ll get to a Real place with this. So glad for your honesty in this contribution.
Yep. Saying “at least” really is all about making oneself feel better. Think about it! Because we feel we have to have something to say and we are not comfortable holding space. I am a firm believer that a person is entitled to own his or her own pain–whatever it is. As a physician I have delivered very, very, very bad news to people. I learned early on that after you do that. . . there is no “at leasting” that is appropriate. It’s all about acknowledging grief–and holding space.
I am so glad there are doctors like you. More, please!
Re: “Saying ‘at least’ really is all about making onesdelf feel batter.” Agreed. Saying “at least” to ourselves is short-term “comfort.” It gets us out of the discomfort of what is. And as we know, comfort-with-quotation-marks is the easiest choice, but it is creating an environment for more of the same – escaping discomfort with what’s most habitually comfortable. This adds up over time and creates an environment of long-term discomfort. Also known as suffering. Long-term comfort can only come from (a) objective acknowledgment of external circumstances – looking at what’s there whether good or bad – and (b) nonjudgmental acknowledgment of our internal state – looking at what’s there whether good or bad. In our culture, we have assigned honor to avoiding the bad – a convoluted misinterpretation of positive thinking. We are so far away from feeling what is there that most of us have no idea how to feel the bad. For me, it looks like this: Close my eyes. Exhale a few times. Feel the heaviness in my body, on the expression on my face. Allow the heaviness to be there, to work on me. Know that not everything will get done today. Feel in my heart compassion for myself, for what I am going through. Know that I am going through.
This was really interesting! Didn’t know you had a blog:) I’ve never really thought of this before, especially how it effects the person your saying it to. Like you said it’s almost engrained in us, and it’s often done with the best of intentions. I’m learning daily that it’s best to #1 first and formost listen!! Wether that be to yourself or another human being. #2 just aknowledge what you or the other person is saying and feeling…you don’t have to “fix” anything, it’s not your job!!! Correct me if I’m wrong but I think that’s what your saying when you talk about “holding” it, just really being present and experiencing it!! Im a little new to this “holding” it thing, but I think I’m catching on:) P.s. I like your very “real” language!
Yes, Erica, you got it! The holding it thing is the most fixing thing we can do. 😉
What I mean is, when we are offering up fixing perspectives and fixing solutions to someone in the middle of some bad shit, we are saying, “You are probably not only experiencing some bad shit, but are somehow responsible for not fixing it, because maybe you didn’t try hard enough, so allow me to offer up something you were not good enough to come up with yourself.” (!) (Have you noticed how defensive you get when people offer up solutions when you are raw? How you start ‘splainin’ how you tried that, how you thought of that, how you really aren’t a lazy, wallowing loser?)
Of course, many of us have to offer fixing perspectives and fixing solutions to people in our professions – it’s literally our job. For instance, the person with scoliosis needs to know about the amazing new study of one yoga pose they can do for remarkable improvement (side plank, bitches!). But all the fixing solutions in the world won’t erase how the limitations of his/her scoliosis condition (external circumstances) have resulted in loss (internal state). So we acknowledge their loss. We give permission to others to acknowledge their own loss. And we create sacred healing space that can only come from this connected feeling. Then, whatever fixing solution we offer is not just a disconnected cognitive plan. It is a feeling, healing plan.
My children are my favorite teachers-apart from you and the rest of the world of course 😉 Really they do hold a special moment to moment presence that reflects myself so clearly. This morning Violet walks by Neil feeding the cat, “Daddy, I’m glad your doing that. Dinah Cat was hungry.” Feeding the cat is her responsibility. Later when her toy gets taken by her sister she comes running to me, “I’m glad she did that. I was thinking of getting a new one anyway.” All of a sudden when anything that she would have been throwing a 3 year old tantrum about a week ago has become this opportunity for positive re-framing… time to wake-up! What have I been modeling??? Go ahead and take my power, I’m going to figure out how to twist it so I have something to hold on to… uh-oh! Time to go back to holding on to the real thing that brought up the feelings in the first place, there’s the power-ahhh parenting-at least I feel a bit normal reading this post 😉 Oh wait… before I move onto fixing myself let me pause for a moment and bless that piece of me that wants to hold onto my own agenda/plan/timing instead of hearing my daughter’s experience. So that’s what’s happening… Thank you.
Lara, you wouldn’t be running into this if your daughter wasn’t so brilliant. Her ability to reframe and re-respond is fucking remarkable. Sorry. 😉
Your own introspection on this is also fucking remarkable. I love your contribution here. You illustrate getting into a new sophistication of perspective. Looking at this paragraph, I see a whole book. I imagine since the time you wrote this, more has been revealed on it. Because you unlocked something. You unlocked a lock-down, a constriction. It’s like you were locked down around a couple “virtues” – one conscious (“positivity”) and one unconscious (timeliness/efficiency). Now, expansion. Freedom to see what is. And the confusion that always comes when boundaries suddenly expand. So, keep going through it, sorting through it. Writing is a great practice for sudden boundary expansion. (Did someone say whole book? Oh, and whole books start with a paragraph.)