If you’ve cruised this bitchin’ blog before, or if you’re reading this shit now, I think you know where I stand on swearing.
But maybe you don’t. I don’t preach the gospel of swearing. I don’t vilify non-swearers. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t think in “swears” to talk or write in “swears.” But I do encourage everyone to let their unique expression through. It doesn’t require swearing. And it certainly doesn’t require not swearing.
For the eight months I’ve been writing this blog, well-meaning people have been suggesting that I axe the f-bombs and other swear-drops. From them, I have compiled the seven main arguments presented against swearing:
- Swearing is mean.
- Swearing shows a lack of creativity.
- Swearing is not classy.
- Swearing is not attractive on a woman.
- Swearing is a sin.
- Swearing is just trying to sound like you’re 20-something.
- Swear words have wholesome substitutes.
Before I present my responses, I shall prepare you. Trust me on this.
So, after hearing repeatedly that I was mean, uncreative, not classy, unattractive, sinful, a 20-wannabe, and unwholesome, I got kinda down on myself. Luckily, that little voice in me – you know, my conscience – kept saying, “Mary, you know that not swearing is wrong.” But why? Why, dear conscience, must you hold me to this high standard?
Here’s a message from a friend I got yesterday, who read an inspirational meme of mine on Facebook that had an f-bomb in it:
“I love that I have a chum who says ‘fuck’ as much as I do. Have a great fucking day!”
For now, forget any ideas you have about why people swear or how inappropriate swearing is. Now hear this: if it’s connecting, do it. If it’s separating, don’t. Yes, it applies to everything, so yeah, swearing. Hell, that’s why this blog exists. For swears. Kind of. (PSA: “Real is the new good” means putting an end to conditioned reactions based in a flawed moralistic idea of “good” that is separating, and choosing truly connecting actions instead of moralistic good ones.)
But it ain’t easy applying this Rule of Real when it comes to swearing. It’s so not easy that I have to do more than one blog on this shit. Like, what about when you know swearing offends someone, and a swear word comes to you as an intrinsic part of conveying an idea true to its origin? Or what about those habitual swearers who drop five f-bombs in one sentence? And is anyone even using swearing to “take the name of [the divine] in vain” anyway? Whatever baffles you about swearing – I’m gonna field it, baby. Throw it at me in the comments. Let’s see how many blogs we can get outta the crucial topic of bad words.
Personally, here’s where I’m at with swearing on my blog:
Before assigning a thought to be polite or impolite, coarse or clean, nice or mean – the thought I’m having is the closest thing to the feeling I am trying to communicate – it’s pure. Yeah, pure.
Before assigning a thought to be polite or impolite, coarse or clean, nice or mean – the thought I’m having is the closest thing to the feeling I am trying to communicate – it’s pure. Yeah, pure. Unadulterated expression, from a very connected place. And when I am in that place of connection in me, and I share that place with you… namaste, anyone? Yeah. I did just use the word “namaste” to justify swearing. See you at your next namaste, bitches!
And now, I present me, in all my purity, as I respond to the cases against swearing.
Disclaimer #14: Using swears for humor can work in the spirit of connection, especially as irony, but it’s always a fine line, a risky one, highly dependent on your audience, and can result in separation. I’m gonna do it anyway. Bitches, I ain’t 100% connecting! (I’m 100% human, though.)
Swearing is mean.
What the fuck? So easy. Angry swearing, calling other people angry swear word names – yeah, that’s mean. Even “What the fuck?” is mean, people. It’s me dissing on someone’s reasoning. It’s me judging that fucker. But what about when my friend – who is fighting to make public education effective for more than the median kid – achieves a small gain (hey, it could happen) and I say, “That’s fuckin’ awesome!”? My bitch and I be all connected then.
Swearing shows a lack of creativity.
What the fuck? Like swear words have no distinct meaning? Like in place of a definition, there is a vacuum? Lemme try one.
Bitch: someone you have solidarity with who is pretty badass but sometimes needs shaking up. Oops, censor “badass.” Replace it with “pretty adventure-taking rebellious in an admirable way.”
Damn. That ain’t no vacuum. Wait – swear words are words?
Ernest Hemingway made the case for efficiency of words as a tenet of good writing, of clearly delivering what comes from your origin – your originality. Do it simply, choose the most representative words, and don’t flower it up. So. Do I say “people I have solidarity with who are pretty adventure-taking rebellious in an admirable way but sometimes need shaking up,” or do I say, “bitches”?
Swearing is not classy.
What the fuck? That is so offensive. I’m supposed to aspire to be in a high class with a buncha people beneath me that are considered less worthy of shit? Us and them, haves and have-nots? Da-amn. I have always had a problem with the word classy. Stop using it. It puts all swear words to shame.
Swearing is not attractive on a woman.
What. The. FUCK?!? Attractive? ATTRACTIVE?!? Is that what I’m here for? To do attractive things? To only speak in words that reinforce my desirability? To act as (missionary position) doable as possible? I choose expressing me over you repressing me. In other words, I choose doing my own thing over doing/not doing whatever might make you want to do me. Done.
Swearing is a sin.
What the eff? Okay, so I was raised Catholic, and yes, I was taught to confess each and every swear word. (I didn’t and don’t use swear words to slam the divine, by the way – like, who does?) So, connecting or separating? Since I was afraid of God “up there” tallying my sins so “he” could impose the proper sentence on me – pretty separating. I mean, if you have a concept of the divine, what is that concept if not the perfection of 100% connection? Where does judgmental separation fit in? The idea of the divine advocating separation – in one’s self, among humanity, or between one’s self and the divine – is the result of some pretty significant conditioning about the moralistic good. (Yes. A blog on swearing just got me to wax all spiritual.)
Swearing is just trying to sound like you’re 20-something.
Yeah. Because swearing stops at the age of 20-whatever.
And really – holy shit I better not sound like I’m 20-something. My understanding of this Real shit in my 20’s was way off mark. For me to read back then the shit I write about here would’ve required 3 diet Pepsis and the promise of some Captain Morgan’s later just to get through it. Oh – and a shit-ton of “I already get this shit!” and “I don’t need to read this shit!” and “I am the shit!”
Swear words have wholesome substitutes.
Gosh darn it they do, don’t they? Heck yeah! Someone changed a few freakin’ letters in swear words and now nobody’ll have to be mean or uncreative or not classy or unattractive or sinful or a 20-wannabe or unwholesome! Aw fudge – I said too dang much! Enough of this crap! Bye, female dogs!
Tagged: bad words, curse words, cuss, f-bomb, language, swear, swear words, swear-shaming, swearing, words
I. Love. You.
Heart back atcha. 🙂
subs are one of my favorite things…. because when somebody says “effin'”, my brain doesn’t immedidately translate it to “fuckin'” .
curious, though, as an avid swearer and purveyor of reality, do you ever use swearing specifically with certain people to emphasize a point, because you know you will get a more specific response using that language?
…. and i am also curious, in the response you have gotten, if swearing around children has ever been brought up?
Thanks, Steve, for starting the compilation of future topics!
1) Swear substitutes and swears don’t convey the same thing
2) Swearing for attention vs. swearing for legit connection
3) Swearing in the presence of kids
And no, nobody specifically posed any argument regarding children, even when I’ve dropped an unconscious “hell” or “damn” talking to someone around their kids.
Here is something cool that addresses two of the things you mentioned: A collaborative energy of connection is available in any social dynamic we are in. The better we are at aligning with our shared energy – what’s true in both/all of us present – the better we are at communicating in a connecting way.
When I’m directly interacting with kids, I love what it brings out in me. Swearing? Not even in the picture.
On the other hand, when I am around pitta people (fiery ones) who are really buildin’ some momentum on a collaborative revelation, yeah, the fucks will drop. And when I’m directly interacting with pitta people, I love what it brings out in me. Swearing? Prominently in the picture. 😉
Here’s where I’m at now. I find it weird when I swear in front of someone who is Young or Old, or one of them swears in front of me. (And as I get older, my definitions of Young and Old age with me, of course). Similarly, I think it is kind of rude if I swear to someone who is in an unequal power relationship with me. A waitress who is currently at my table depending on a tip. A student. And it is rude the other way, too – I wouldn’t swear in front of my boss or editor, unless s/he did so first.
I’m not saying I am right – just checking in with my feelings about it, which have changed before and will again.
Now the internet is a weird thing – because all those distinctions get fuzzy. I’ve had a lot of criticism for the swearing in my essays, from strangers. And I used to roll my eyes and go on writing the way I write. But for some reason, maybe it is that criticism and my will to please, my more recent essays seem to have less swearing in them.
I also notice that you are using “fuck” and “shit.” Are those swear words to you, personally? Do they break taboos? Would you use the word c**t, or n***er? Maybe those are your personal swear words, and when you use “fuck” and “shit” in a sense you are not really swearing, from your perspective? Just like once (when it was a habit getting out of hand) I told my students that any of them who caught me swearing would get a quarter, and within 10 minutes someone wanted a quarter for catching me saying “crap.” I was genuinely shocked. “Is ‘crap’ swearing? Really?” And Frances comes home from a year of school and winces when we use the word “hell.”
I loved your article, because it made me think.
Seriously, Doug, I love that you gave this such thorough treatment. And thanks for contributing to the continuation of compilation of future topics!
4) Swearing and unequal power relationships
5) Swearing in writing – how do you even know who it is you’re communicating with? Play it safe?
6) Can the Rule of Real take care of “badder” words than “fuck”?
7) What does “to swear” really even mean?
I think I’ll take a moment on #6 here. In the sum total of my environments of interaction, I can’t fathom a scenario where “c***” and “n*****” would serve a connecting purpose. Similarly, many would say they can’t imagine ever calling someone “bitch” in the spirit of connection. (And maybe every time I use it I’m pissing off my bitches anyway! Connection fail! 100% human!)
So, can we vilify any word, when all words are dependent on who is delivering them and what their intention is? If I overhear a black guy calling a friend “n*****” (and hey, maybe the friend says it back), should I tell him that’s fucked up? 😉
To be continued…
I was raised in a household where “Jeez” was a swear word (it was considered short for Jesus and thus taking the Lord’s name in vain) so swearing is something I’m simply not comfortable with personally. I also work with the public and can’t let it become a habit. I’ll tend to use things like “frakking”, not as a euphemism, but because it’s fun to say. I will actually use the word “bleeping” as a swear word, to invite the listener to fill in the blank. The fun flip side of this I when I do swear people just about fall over, so I get the extra added emphasis effect.
I admire people who can creatively show their disdain without resorting to swear words, especially if they can be funny about it, while I want nothing more than to throw a thesaurus at those who drop an f-bomb in place of every adjective.
Swearing can be a legitimate form of communication, but it can also create barriers – Doug brought up some excellent examples – where people are going to focus on the word and not the thoughts behind it. Just my two cents worth. 🙂
Lucy, your swearing attitude is delightful! Thanks for contributing to the continuing compilation of future topics!
8) Similar to #7 (see Doug’s comment), but more specifically, when is a swear “taking the Lord’s name in vain”?
9) Is using swear words resorting to behavior “beneath” using other words?
10) The Over-F-Bombing Effect. We all know some OFBE’s.
11) Do swear words add to or take away from ironic humor?
12) Even with a connecting intention behind a word, people can’t see the intention, they can only see (hear) the word. Is it inevitable that the common associations people have with certain words will create separation?
Thoughts on #11: I’ve written for satire publications in the past, where irony is Go
dsh, and depending on the guidelines, it can mean censoring “profanity.” I have found that most of the time, I can get the delivery just fine after censoring. I just gotta wonder how much prana remains in it. 😮profanity – blasphemous or obscene language: an outburst of profanity.
• a swear word; an oath.
• irreligious or irreverent behavior.
swear – use offensive language, esp. as an expression of anger: Peter swore under his breath.
per New American Oxford dictionary.
Seems to me you aren’t truly swearing if your intent is to connect, be real and true. As you mention, it seems not cool to “swear” in order to be mean (I suppose one could come up with scenarios when this could lead to a connection in truth? IDK? WTF?) Anyhoo, I think most of us are simply using words that are recognized as “profanity” as substitutes for more “benevolent”, albeit wordier phrases to communicate. After all, when I hear you say (or write) “bitches”, I automatically think “awesome, she thinks I’m cool”, not, holy cow, what a jerk she is for calling names. Same with WTF. My older sister and I once had a day last year where we made a list of WTF’s, like why do you always miss some little hairs on your kneecap when you shave? i.e. WTF? It’s funny and appropriate if you ask me.
I mostly “swear” to emphasize my point, since the greater population will still perceive some shock value, especially coming from someone who swears less often. Cool things, words are, with their double entendres, hidden meanings and interesting roots.
BTW, our latest priest just laughed when I tried to confess that I had used swear words…”did you intend to hurt someone with those words?”, “Well, no, not really,” “Then don’t worry about it.” WTF????
Lori! I sense a kindred swearship between us. 😉 Excellent citation and I totally relate to your swearific observations. I am having fun with researching all things swearing. And, I love it when people WTF me. I love being called out. I consider the calling out process to be crucial for all of us, and dang fun if you let it be.
I would like to thank you for the following contribution to the continuing compilation of future topics:
13) What are religions’ official and unofficial positions on swearing these days?
Oh – and THIS has become relevant in the last couple of years. I’ve been teaching improv classes for 8th – 10th graders. One main challenge is to get them to stop being “cool” and also to stop “behaving” – two extremes that they fall into. The point is to listen, and react, and get the comedy from sincerity. An obstacle is that they don’t know me from Adam, and they think of “class” in a very specific way.
So, in the first ten minutes… I drop the “F” bomb. “Spontaneously.” And when they start, I say, “Yeah. I said it. You can, too. Just not gratuitously. Let’s move on…” and there we have it. It works – it is a powerful technique. And then… I don’t drop it again. I’m the adult, they are the students. But they are free to say it all they want, as long as it is not gratuitous – as long as they don’t try to get the laugh from the word itself.
This is brilliant, Doug. I am all about the potency of the swear, not diluting it, and actually found a study on it, to be disclosed in a future blog – effin’ a, man, huh? You provide an excellent application of swearing for connection – when people are literally disconnected, checked out from real engagement with themselves or anyone else.
14) Swearing to shake people up out of their disconnection
I work with that age group as well, and the flat affect before we get our rapport is always a challenge. But I always get through it because golly I can’t stop being me and pretty soon they are comfortable that that’s who I really am, and that yes, I mean it when I encourage them to look at things differently, to question what doesn’t make sense, to create their own syllabus for their lives. It’s working. If I’ve had this kind of luck just dropping the occasional “what the hell?”, just think what could come of a well-placed “what the fuck”? 😉 There’s of course the disclosure issue when dealing with minors – if I was really gonna go there I’d have to be up front with parents about it, but I ain’t gonna go there. In solidarity, I’m gonna preserve the eff outta “fuck.”
I wanna capture this: Basically, WTF is kinda what yoga is all about, as Lori reminded me. It’s calling ourselves out for our habits, conditioning, complacency and doing something about it. Damn. I shouldn’ta dissed on WTF so bad in my blog. Well, there will be many chances to address this in the future it appears….
For some, the F-dash-dash-dash word is full of violence, subjugation, and assault and should never be used. Being sensitive to this possibility is key or you will most definitely lose connection. For others, it’s a great word that expresses a guttural instinct that nothing else can convey. Know the difference or you’ll lose people.
Just yesterday, I was hanging out with some pretty conservative folks with big hearts. I was relating how one of our mutual friends had developed the ability to detect my own bullshit, which is key if you’re going to relate to me. I shared this story and my friend asked me how it went over with the conservative crowd. They didn’t make me walk home from Fort Dodge, so I assume it went OK. I shared with my friend that a different word in that context just wouldn’t suffice. Bull-crap is definitely not the same as bullshit. She agreed.
Ah – this brings something else to mind: even in company where we’re not “blind” to our audience’s opinions on swearing, where we feel we know them “well enough,” we are almost always blind to aspects of their personal histories. The f-word is only one word that could be loaded for victims of violence, harassment, persecution, oppression, bigotry. So – how conservative is enough? In “blind” company, we play it really safe for the best chance of connection. But in the known person/unknown personal history scenario….
15) What is the protocol for swearing re: the known person/unknown personal history scenario?
Definitely some “swears” are safer, less likely to be triggers, and yet, today in class, I refrained from saying “half-ass” because I was HYPER AWARE of my swearing as a result of all of this exploration. So, I said, “half-A.” And at least half the people didn’t know what the “H” I was saying. 😉
First of all, I agree with everything you said.
Also, in non-defense of wholesome alternative: Swears just make for better hyperbole. I mean, what sounds more grandiose “Holy gee, that’s a really big cheeseburger!” or “Holy shit, that’s a big fucking cheeseburger!” For real, wouldn’t you assume the second cheeseburger was bigger?
And also, for me, personally, when I hear a person casually swear, a little “ding” in my brain goes off that tells me “this is a safe person,” a “fuck” here, or a “goddamn” there is like a signal that said human is likely friendly, non-shaming, and also probably won’t try to sell me Amway or something*, and basically that I can be myself around them.
*Not that Amway sales people don”t swear or anything, just that they probably don’t do it WHILE trying to sell you Amway.
First of all, I didn’t have to read anything after your first sentence. So I didn’t.
Just kidding, bitch! That second cheeseburger sounds fuckin’ massive. And thanks to you, I have another item to add to the list:
16) Can we swearers come up with a “safe” word to give us free license to swear? Like, “Ding”? And we know we’re fine if the response is, like, “Dong”?
Great ducking post. Ducking autocorrect.
susan made me ducking laugh so ducking much….
IKR? WTD?!?
Ahhhhh! And, I don’t know how many times I’ve said to my iPhone: “No. I do not mean shot.” Susie, on fb you mentioned really appreciating the response to swearing being unattractive on women. I actually had a bolder way of saying what I did, slept on it, woke up knowing it would be too separating, extracted myself from my attachment to the shock angle I had, and went with what you see there. And still, I bet some people find it a bit much. 😉
Just for fun.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rufus-lodge/f-word-history_b_5755004.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
I so relate to this! So much so, I may have considered switching teams, marrying you, and having your children. Okay, it was only for a moment! Fuck yeah for saying fuckers off to the fucking word police fuckers!